The advantages of Swine Flu

According to one study, only 1% of those who believe they have swine
flu actually have swine flu. The remaining 99% are suffering from an
unrelated disease: Mass Panicking Syndrome.

And while there is all round scare and hype about "swine flu" there are some good things which i notice as a result of Swine Flu - Some obvious and some not so obvious ones.

1. The illeterate and downtrodden of the world now have a medical degree. My building Gurkha for example now knows the difference between a Virus and Bacteria to the details of the fact that "Virus doesnt have its own cell mechanism like a bacteria". Thanks to the Media. By the way he also now has learnt a new word "Media Hype"
   
2. There is less crowds in the malls and as a result lesser crowds on the roads. I think the greenhouse activists should be happy as the "Pollution" levels would surely have gone down this last week.
3. Theatres, Multiplexes are closed and people are scared to go to any place where there are "crowds" ruling out eataries etc. Which means "families" are actually sitting together an having meals and "talking". In the era of "Social Networking" while people stay in touch with unknown "web friends" they are rarely in touch with the immediate family/ neighbor. Hopefully the self imposed lock down improves the social interactions -- 70's meaning of "Social" of course
4. Euthnasia and suicide is now legal - all people with a death wish need to do is go and stand in the Queue any of the hospitals where testing of swine flu happens. With over 200-300 "Suspected" swine flu candidates standing in the queue u are bound to contract it even if u dont have one and by the time ur number comes ur death wish might have been answered.
   
5. The "Indian Namaste" way of greeting is gaining ground vs shaking hands. I am sure the real reason behind namaste in Shastra's is to spread diseases
6. You can get off a traffic offence if u sneeze as soon as the police constable approaches you.
7. Its become easy to get a 7 day off from office -- all u need to do is get a warm water bath and sneeze.
8. A few people have noses that look like swine. These are the ones who wear masks to avoid being seen.
   
9. All Tamilnadu residents are proud because most of them beleive that the treatment of Swine Flu was invented/ produced in Chennai (Tamiflu)
10. Natural resources have become more valuable than gizmos - People are more worried about the 10 deaths from swine flu vs the 60,000 which dies from Malaria, 100,000 who dies of leptospirosis, and so the cost of a non-electric device like N-94 face mask/ or even the cotton mask is higher than a complex piece of mosquito repellent.
11. 
    

My sympathies with those who died of swine flu but
“2000 people have Swine Flu and the whole world wants to wear
a surgical mask. 20 billion have AIDS and still noone wants to wear a
condom.”

I am sure in all the doom and gloom u too have some more interesting benefits u see of the Swine flu scare.
PLease do share to make this compilation more interesting and do drop down here for some interesting & conspiracy theory based views on Swine Flu.

One Afternoon at the Passport office...

Man behind Window (MBW) -"VSNL is a government entity".....

Me -"No sir it isnt, ist owned by the Tata group" ...

MBW - "No, No Its government, you need a No Objection certificate ...." (yawns)

Me (desperate) -- "Sir it WAS a government enterprise its now a listed private company...."

MBW -" Please come and meet my senior officer"

Me and MBW go to meet senior officer, the whole queue stares at us .... ready to pounce and bury me for wasting their (already long wasted) time further.....

MBW and me stand in front of officer while he signs some docs and talks on the phone.

Officer- Yes

MBW - Sir He (pointing at me) is a govt. employee and doesnt have a NOC....

Me - (cutting in between) ... I am not a govt. employee -- I work for VSNL....

Officer - VSNL ,( Duh!!!! ) -- full form kaay?

Me - Videsh San.....

MBW -- (Butting in) ... Videsh Sanchar Nigam Limited .... Govt. company Sahib.... ( I think its in the MBW's KRA to reject at least one application per hour and he is desperately trying to achieve the same)

Me - No NO its listed, it has TATA group majority stake .... they bought it in 2002. ( I suddenly realise if this man can perplex me so much with 10 words.... what "third degree torture would be with Mumbai Police")

Officer --- (looking at me skeptically and then at the MBW confidently) --- Are you sure?

Me - Yes Yes !!!

Officer - (Scratches his head and considers for a while) ..... Are you ready to give it in writing

Me - ( With a cocktail feeling of Confusion, shock, amusement and desperation) Give what in writing???

Officer - That VSNL is not a govt. entity and you do not require a NOC....

Me - You want ME to write that

Officer - Yes and sign .....

Me - OK (I thought for a second the officer would also ask me to swear on Bhagwad Gita " Whatever i say is the truth and the ultimate truth")

Me and MBW walk back to the window -- once again we get stares and grunts for delay....

I scrtch out a letter on a "rough page" provided by MBW, he apporves of it (seems dejected though for not achieveing his KRA) and accepts the papers for

"Issue of Additional Passport Booklet"............

--- "This is based on a true incident at the regional Passport office Worli, Mumbai. The characters and script are totally real and any lack of resemblence to real characters is purely due to shortfalls in my writing skills."

I have a lot to say on the whole process for issue of Passports and peripheral services but specifically on the above issue. Is a letter from me good enough proof of me not being a Govt. employee?, shouldnt the govt. issue a list of companies which are govt. and require NOC?

Why should eveen grassroot level govt. employees including sweepers, Clerks, Primary Secondary school teachers etc require a No Objection Certificate from the Govt.? Is there any risk of them absconding with "secret data" and if they do want to abscond, wouldnt they make a passport first and then try to abscond? Why, why, why.........?

More on how the whole process is a "organisational process" disaster as would be classified by "Goal" famous Elihau Goldraitt in coming posts.

"Go back Simon" to "Tuk-Tuk Simon"

The Britishers came to India and ruled over us for 100+ years. In the process they gave India, and especially Mumbai, a lot of things. They built the drainage system prevents Mumbai from drowning and lets the Mubaikars get away with just waterlogging. They also gave us the first local train which now is the lifeline of Mumbai and the reason for some thrills in over blatant everyday lives. They also gave us almost all the tourist spots in Mumbai like the Gateway of India, Prince of wales meuseum, the entire Fort area. Above all they gave us a globally recognised and pronouncable name "Bombay" which had to be changed after a long and bloddy battle by politicians.

The government respects thier work to such great extent that any work which can be classified as"development" over and above the Britishers "great peice of art" has been condemned and thrashed over the years- apart from teh name changing ceremony. Hence we continue using the same drainage system, water system and train system without any developments.
Anyway this post is not to praise the Britishers or criticise the government as there are lots of other people actively involved in this task. This post is about "Payback" time to the Britishers. The Britishers gave us a lot of things but oppressed us 10 times more. They robbed the treasures like the Kohinoor diamond and Tipu Sultan's Sword (which Vijay Mallya got back recently for a huge amount). Their "divide and rule" policies affect us even today. I am sure every Indian wishes that he could do something similar or worst to whatever remains of the British empire and now a Keralite has finally succeeded in doing it!!!!!!!!!

How? By launching the much dreaded, feared and mentally torturous Auto-rickshaw in UK.

Yes its true- A recent Business Today article says that this man named Ponnaiah has launched Auto-rickshaw service in the seaside town of Brighton in UK. He has 12 Auto-rickshwas as of now and he plans to expand the numbers and the presence across UK. They are called "tuk-Tuks" and shall have the Unioun flag colors on them instead of the Garish yellow and black (Mumbai) or Yellow and green (Delhi). They shall also have additional side impact bars and seat belts...whoa!!!!!! The article also points out that when a bajaj Auto person was asked to comment on this he was completely stunned and just blurted "he did what!!!".. yes even the originators dont beleive that someone can themselves create an Open Jurrasic park. :-)
How did the Britishers alllow them in the country you say - well these things shall run on CNG and considering their love for cleanliness they allowed them. However what they fail to see and what I would call "payback" is the nuisance value of the tuk-tuks. I also hope that the drivers too are Indians.

Imagine a scene on a peak hour morning on a street in London. A fine lady and gentleman are waiting on the footpath and wave down a rick. The conversation in Hinglish goes as follows
Couple: Good Morning
Rickwalla:- Where go?
Couple: What ???
RW:- Aree Baba, where you go, hurry hurry...
Couple: (Finally understanding Hinglish) - Brighton avenue
RW:- 30 pounds
Couple - What..!!!!! Isn't there a meter?
RW:- There is, But Not work ..... 30 Pounds
Couple:- Thats outrageously my friend, it is your duty to ensure that the meter is in running condition to prevent any.........
RW: ayyo amma, No talk, 30 pound ......you coming ? If not take other tuk-tuk... (starts to leave)
couple- OK OK 25 pounds final (;-) they too have learnt the Indian style of bargaining)
RW- OK saab, come come
The couple shall then go for a whirlwind tour of London, careening around corners, listening to choicest abuses over and above Himesh Reshamiya bleating out in "Jhankar beat" through the ricks music system. They shall encounter some amzing traffic jams caused by Tuk-tuk's to which their own Tuk-tuk shall add some more fire.
Finally tired,battered and drained they shall get off at their destination and hand over money for the "ride of their life"

Beautiful Payback I say . We once had the slogan "Go Back SIMON" now we shall have "Tuk-TUK Simon"

The RUDE Maharaja

"Chala chal pudhe chala".... (keep moving ahead)
"Uppar number likha hai padke aage jao?...." (Numbers are written above, read and move ahead)
Where do you think I heard this?......In the Mumbai bus? Neah.. we dont have numbers... Then? Perhaps in the train u would guess? Or In the State transport Bus...... neaah?... Its the Bus, its the train.......NO its in the Plane.....!!!!!!!!! (Well that last sentence is the influence of watching Superman.. please excuse me).
These were the words of our own Maharaja...the Air hostess of Air India Flight AI 824 from Riyadh to Mumbai. These were the words uttered by her when a fellow passenger showed her the boarding pass while boarding the plane...!!!!!
Well ok heres another shocker.......
The incident goes like this.....
The air hostess has started distributing drinks. The drinks visible on top are the usual Coke and some juices. This is how the conversation goes between the air hostess, me and the guy in the seat ahead (perhaps a first time traveller)
Air hostess: Kya chahiye? (What do you want?)
(perhaps AI instructs hostesses to use English as second language)
Guy: Kya hai? (whats there)
AH: Coke ....
Guy (cranes his neck to see if theres anything else) : OK de do (Give)
AH pours half a glass of Coke plunks in some Ice to fill in the rst of the glass and dumps it unceremoniously on the guys table, spillin a few drops on his table in the process.
AH to me: .......... (Just lifts an eyebrow asking what I want)
Me: Do you have some beer?
AH:........ (Says nothing, Perhaps she doesnt like my face)
Dumps 2 tins of Beer, removed from the cabinet of the trolley, dumps them on my table. Somehow her mannerisms make me beleive she was formerly employed in the Central jail canteen.... remember how they dump food there .... phataaaak in your plate... (Not that I have been their.. just seen in the movies..:-))
Anyway, the guy in front of me suddenly realises....theres beer tooo... Oh my god!!!!!!!! how can i drink coke?
Guy: Excuse me ...ummm.....i also want beer......
AH with a stern look that could make Mithun jump up 1 floor and shout " ayyee saala"
AH: What do u mean you want beer? Tum abhi coke liya ahi Beer bhi chahiye... aisee kaise? Ek barr decide karbe nahin hota kya......????
I suddenly started seeing the AH as the Schoolmaster and the guy as the poor 1st year kid shivering when he realises the GROSS mistake of his life he made by pulling the masters pants down.....
With this remark the AH moved on... mumbling under her breath.....and the poor guy reeling from the 7.5 richter scale earthquake he just experienced.....and me as dazed and amazed as u guys are right now.....
These incidents suddenly made me realize what the "Maharaja" - the mascot stands for....
He says " I am the Maharaja....so treat me like one u mortal denizens of the Air world... Its your lady luck smiling which has allowed u my royal company in air.. dont you dare ask questions .....dont you dare expect more courtesy... I dont need u... You need me"
Long Live the MAHARAJA... Long Live Air India.....