"Go back Simon" to "Tuk-Tuk Simon"

The Britishers came to India and ruled over us for 100+ years. In the process they gave India, and especially Mumbai, a lot of things. They built the drainage system prevents Mumbai from drowning and lets the Mubaikars get away with just waterlogging. They also gave us the first local train which now is the lifeline of Mumbai and the reason for some thrills in over blatant everyday lives. They also gave us almost all the tourist spots in Mumbai like the Gateway of India, Prince of wales meuseum, the entire Fort area. Above all they gave us a globally recognised and pronouncable name "Bombay" which had to be changed after a long and bloddy battle by politicians.

The government respects thier work to such great extent that any work which can be classified as"development" over and above the Britishers "great peice of art" has been condemned and thrashed over the years- apart from teh name changing ceremony. Hence we continue using the same drainage system, water system and train system without any developments.
Anyway this post is not to praise the Britishers or criticise the government as there are lots of other people actively involved in this task. This post is about "Payback" time to the Britishers. The Britishers gave us a lot of things but oppressed us 10 times more. They robbed the treasures like the Kohinoor diamond and Tipu Sultan's Sword (which Vijay Mallya got back recently for a huge amount). Their "divide and rule" policies affect us even today. I am sure every Indian wishes that he could do something similar or worst to whatever remains of the British empire and now a Keralite has finally succeeded in doing it!!!!!!!!!

How? By launching the much dreaded, feared and mentally torturous Auto-rickshaw in UK.

Yes its true- A recent Business Today article says that this man named Ponnaiah has launched Auto-rickshaw service in the seaside town of Brighton in UK. He has 12 Auto-rickshwas as of now and he plans to expand the numbers and the presence across UK. They are called "tuk-Tuks" and shall have the Unioun flag colors on them instead of the Garish yellow and black (Mumbai) or Yellow and green (Delhi). They shall also have additional side impact bars and seat belts...whoa!!!!!! The article also points out that when a bajaj Auto person was asked to comment on this he was completely stunned and just blurted "he did what!!!".. yes even the originators dont beleive that someone can themselves create an Open Jurrasic park. :-)
How did the Britishers alllow them in the country you say - well these things shall run on CNG and considering their love for cleanliness they allowed them. However what they fail to see and what I would call "payback" is the nuisance value of the tuk-tuks. I also hope that the drivers too are Indians.

Imagine a scene on a peak hour morning on a street in London. A fine lady and gentleman are waiting on the footpath and wave down a rick. The conversation in Hinglish goes as follows
Couple: Good Morning
Rickwalla:- Where go?
Couple: What ???
RW:- Aree Baba, where you go, hurry hurry...
Couple: (Finally understanding Hinglish) - Brighton avenue
RW:- 30 pounds
Couple - What..!!!!! Isn't there a meter?
RW:- There is, But Not work ..... 30 Pounds
Couple:- Thats outrageously my friend, it is your duty to ensure that the meter is in running condition to prevent any.........
RW: ayyo amma, No talk, 30 pound ......you coming ? If not take other tuk-tuk... (starts to leave)
couple- OK OK 25 pounds final (;-) they too have learnt the Indian style of bargaining)
RW- OK saab, come come
The couple shall then go for a whirlwind tour of London, careening around corners, listening to choicest abuses over and above Himesh Reshamiya bleating out in "Jhankar beat" through the ricks music system. They shall encounter some amzing traffic jams caused by Tuk-tuk's to which their own Tuk-tuk shall add some more fire.
Finally tired,battered and drained they shall get off at their destination and hand over money for the "ride of their life"

Beautiful Payback I say . We once had the slogan "Go Back SIMON" now we shall have "Tuk-TUK Simon"

"Reselient" or "Stone hearted" Mubaikars?

Over the past few days we have seen everyone (including myself in my blog "letter to terrorist"below)

appluading the "reselience" of mumbai. I found this peculiar blog entry which raises a contarary point without any sarcasm or hatred. His point makes me confused and raises many questions. Does the writer has a point... or does he??!!.....

Your Comments invited to sort this..............

"I heard it on television, yesterday, while I was at work. It had happened again. Someone had once again seen fit to disrupt life as we know it, using force.
Running to the TV set, I simultaneously began dialling family and friends. The networks were jammed. I stayed at work until around 1.00 am before having someone come and pick me up as the taxis were all occupied. As I made my way home, I saw more ambulances than I had seen in my life. There were people in pain, angry, desperate, and searching for signs of hope from unlikely sources.

I saw the police struggle to curtail angry mobs stoning taxi drivers who refused to take them where they wanted to go. I admit, I silently applauded the attackers, as I believe public servants should serve the public, not hold them to ransom. I stayed clear of the station roads, where the blasts occurred. The media had descended in full force, hungry for sound bites, pictures and video footage.

The next day, it was the same journalists who applauded the fact that Mumbai was back at work. They called it our resilience and celebrated our 'spirit of courage'. But, as I made my way to work, I saw the remains of yesterday in the form of the expressions on faces, the worry, the police and overflowing hospitals with weeping relatives outside.

I had to wonder.

Are we glorifying 'resilience' or 'stony heartedness'?

Have we, the white-collared, become robots that do not deviate from our routines to take time to feel other people's pain, offer help where necessary?

Does the loss of life in this country mean so little?

Why is the government silent?

Will they make their standard offer of a sweaty wad of blood money to bereaved families?

When will we learn that violence breeds violence?

And then, it hit me. The answer to all my questions was undeniably, simply, that we do not care to 'know' the depth and breath of this calamity. We worry less about the collective and more and more about ourselves and our possessions. The biggest tragedy is we are glorified for not feeling.

And they call us resilient..."

Does the author have the correct answer? Would we "mubaikars" have bounced back so soon had someone close to us perished in the incident? Woudl we still have resumed work had the blast knocked off a Dharavi -the worlds largest slum or taken down your own building? Is this resilience actually "indifference"?

Thought provoking indeed and I dont know the right answer.....

Death of "per min" mobile calls

"MSN and Yahoo have allowed their Instant messenger (IM) users from India and 14 other countries to be able to invite and chat between each other beggining today. "
I see this as a crucial milestone in the death of the "per min" call rate concept we have known for so long.Seems illogical and out of this world right. I mean yes rates could fall to maybe even 50 ps per min to call to US but it should be "per min" right!!!! NO worng!!!!!!!
Do you pay for your mail on "'per min"? NO
Do you pay for yahoo messenger vocie chat "per min"? NO
Do you pay "per min" for sending the conventional letter? NO
Then why should mobile communications - which is a substitute to all these forms of comunications be any different?
The cost structure of a mobile company is never based on per minute, because mails/chats and voice calls are finally transported as packets of data over fiber optic networks. Hence they all should have the same measure and that measure is "Bytes/MB/Gb" - the measure of data.
So what does all this have to do with MSN and Yahoo? Imagine you have a mobile BB connection which is charged say Rs 500 per month for a 500 MB pack. And through this connection on your mobile you are always logged in to your Yahoo/MSN messenger. Now any person on Yahoo and MSN messenger friendlist can call you and talk to you for hrs "without any per min" charge.
But what about others you say? I say, very soon there will be no others. Just like the mobile revolution has allowed even your "bhajiwala" to own a mobile, the availibility of cheap calls will make the same "bhajiwala"have an IM login id. (Fresh_bhajiwala@yahoo.com :-))
The MSN-Yahoo partnership is a beggining. Today of the 400 mn worldwide users of IM 350 million are on Yahoo or MSN with and accounting for 70% of IM accounts in India. Thus the partnership makes the IM world borderless. With the giants in the fray the smaller players like AOL, Skype, ICQ all shall join the fray. Its in their benefit to do so, because unlike a mobile phone connection an IM id is easy to switch. So subscribers would find it very easy to switch to an IM service which is aprt of a larger IM consortium.
Thus the first milestone to seamlessly connect the current internet aware population on a "non- per min" world has been laid.
The real big leap shall come with the availibility of viable wireless BB solutions like WiMAX which shall be available by 2010. There are several hurdles to jump over right now and too many "technical impossibilities" visualised right now. But to all the skeptics I would just point out that in 2005 none of the sane people in the world would have forecasted a 100 million subscriber base in india in 5 years.
So "Insanities" today are the "miracles" of tomorrow. So dream on and ensure your dreams are classified "insane" today...........!!!!!!

Letter to a terrorist

Hoping he stumbles on to my blog

Dear Terrorist,

Even if you are not reading this we don't care. Time and again you tried to
disturb us and disrupt our life - killing innocent civilians by planting bombs in trains, buses and cars. You have tried hard to bring death and destruction, cause panic and fear and create communal disharmony but everytime you were disgustingly unsuccessful.

Do you know how we pass our life in Mumbai? How much it takes for us to earn that single rupee? If you wanted to give us a shock then we are sorry to say that you failed miserably in your ulterior motives. Better look elsewere, not here.

We are not Hindus and Muslims or Gujaratis and Marathis or Punjabis and Bengalis. Nor do we distinguish ourselves as owners or workers, govt. employees or private employees.

WE ARE MUMBAIKERS (Bombay-ites, if you like).

We will not allow you to disrupt our life like this. On the last few occassions when you struck (including the 7 deadly blasts in a single day killing over 250 people and injuring 500+ in 1993), we went to work next day in full strength. This time we cleared everything within a few hours
and were back to normal - the vendors placing their next order, businessmen finalizing the next deals and the office workers rushing to catch the next train. (Yes the same train you targetted)

Fathom this: Within 3 hours of the blasts, long queues of blood donating volunteers were seen outside various hospital, where most of the injured were admitted. By 12 midnight, the hospital had to issue a notification that blood banks were full and they didn't require any more blood. The next day, attendance at schools and office was close to 100%, trains & buses were packed to the brim, the crowds were back

The city has simply dusted itself off and moved one - perhaps with greater vigour.
We are Mumbaikers and we live like brothers in times like this. So, do not dare to threaten us with your crackers. The spirit of Mumbai is very strong and can not be harmed.

With Love,
From the people of Mumbai (Bombay)

"Corporate" Blunder

Cola War, Pesticides, NGO oppositions.......
Seems like newspaper headlines some months back? Well they are, but they also form the storyline of "Corporate" - the latest Madhur Bhandarkar film.
I generally do not like analysing Hindi film - few have anything to analyze :-), But well of those few which deserve analysis are Madhur Bhandarkar's "Page 3" and "Chandni Bar".
So why do I analyse Corporate. 3 reasons-

1. Its a Madhur Bhandarkar film - expected to be well researched like its predecessors
2. Its about the Corporate world of which I am a part of
3. I sacrificed the first half of the World cup Finals to watch it...

Well I actually summarised the story in the first sentence of the blog. However here goes a breif Intro -- Its about two giant cola companies Marwah group lead by Raj Babbar and SGI lead by Rajat Kapoor. Its about their war to oust one another. Seems interesting but trust me this cola has no Fizz.... Its unbelievable and at times has childish errors. Anyway the story goes on that SGI launches pesticides laden mint-based cola stealing plans from Marwah. Marwah seeks revenge for stealing his plans, launches a political and media slander campaign on the pesticide content. MArwah and SGI make truce under political pressures and Bipasha the VP of SGI is made the scape-goat and sent to jail.

So now some funny moments in the movie. Bipasha the VP of SGI wants to steal the marketing plan of a "Mint-based cola!!!!!"from rival groups CEO . So she uses a Prostitute to get him in bed and while he sleeps... steals the plan from his laptop. Two funny moments

1. I wonder who gave her the login to his laptop.. i guess the prostitute asked that i between the ummms..aaah and moans...;-)
2. The presentation made by the CEO of cola company was ---- GROSS and he deserved to be kicked out just for his bad presentation skills if not the hooker habit.

Some illogical logics...(thats a Sammyism.. 'cause Hindi Cinema need not have logical logics)

1. Why does the VP of a company go behind Bars and keep on fighting the case indiviually for 2 yrs while the Board of directors is left scott free.
2. Why is the VP charged under Section 304 of IPC - which is for mass murder when the movie makes no reference of someone having died of drinking the mint drink?
3. Can someone sign the affidavit stating I take sole responsibility of some organisational error which the court will acknowledge and let everyone else scott free?.

Poor Kenneth Lay (Enron fame) had he lived a little longer and seen Madhurs "Corporate" I am sure he would have appointed him as his lawyer and gone scott free......

I think all in all there is one dialogue in the film itself which describes the "Corporate Blunder"

"Jo kaam ek aadmi kar sakta hai... jab 50 log table par baith kar karte hain.. aur kharaab karte hain - usey Corporate kehte hain".

The RUDE Maharaja

"Chala chal pudhe chala".... (keep moving ahead)
"Uppar number likha hai padke aage jao?...." (Numbers are written above, read and move ahead)
Where do you think I heard this?......In the Mumbai bus? Neah.. we dont have numbers... Then? Perhaps in the train u would guess? Or In the State transport Bus...... neaah?... Its the Bus, its the train.......NO its in the Plane.....!!!!!!!!! (Well that last sentence is the influence of watching Superman.. please excuse me).
These were the words of our own Maharaja...the Air hostess of Air India Flight AI 824 from Riyadh to Mumbai. These were the words uttered by her when a fellow passenger showed her the boarding pass while boarding the plane...!!!!!
Well ok heres another shocker.......
The incident goes like this.....
The air hostess has started distributing drinks. The drinks visible on top are the usual Coke and some juices. This is how the conversation goes between the air hostess, me and the guy in the seat ahead (perhaps a first time traveller)
Air hostess: Kya chahiye? (What do you want?)
(perhaps AI instructs hostesses to use English as second language)
Guy: Kya hai? (whats there)
AH: Coke ....
Guy (cranes his neck to see if theres anything else) : OK de do (Give)
AH pours half a glass of Coke plunks in some Ice to fill in the rst of the glass and dumps it unceremoniously on the guys table, spillin a few drops on his table in the process.
AH to me: .......... (Just lifts an eyebrow asking what I want)
Me: Do you have some beer?
AH:........ (Says nothing, Perhaps she doesnt like my face)
Dumps 2 tins of Beer, removed from the cabinet of the trolley, dumps them on my table. Somehow her mannerisms make me beleive she was formerly employed in the Central jail canteen.... remember how they dump food there .... phataaaak in your plate... (Not that I have been their.. just seen in the movies..:-))
Anyway, the guy in front of me suddenly realises....theres beer tooo... Oh my god!!!!!!!! how can i drink coke?
Guy: Excuse me ...ummm.....i also want beer......
AH with a stern look that could make Mithun jump up 1 floor and shout " ayyee saala"
AH: What do u mean you want beer? Tum abhi coke liya ahi Beer bhi chahiye... aisee kaise? Ek barr decide karbe nahin hota kya......????
I suddenly started seeing the AH as the Schoolmaster and the guy as the poor 1st year kid shivering when he realises the GROSS mistake of his life he made by pulling the masters pants down.....
With this remark the AH moved on... mumbling under her breath.....and the poor guy reeling from the 7.5 richter scale earthquake he just experienced.....and me as dazed and amazed as u guys are right now.....
These incidents suddenly made me realize what the "Maharaja" - the mascot stands for....
He says " I am the Maharaja....so treat me like one u mortal denizens of the Air world... Its your lady luck smiling which has allowed u my royal company in air.. dont you dare ask questions .....dont you dare expect more courtesy... I dont need u... You need me"
Long Live the MAHARAJA... Long Live Air India.....